- h0ney’s world of wordz -

damn.. im getting so angry right now. there’s going to be an explosion of anger!!!! the only way to express my ANGER is through this blog.

i have a classmate(my good fren) confessing his feeling to me just now. he said he like me, very much. well, i wasn’t surprised cos i’ve known it since early. then i explained to him nicely so that he can let everything go. i can only treat him as a fren.. not more than that. but then, he asked me is it im liking somebody now. this question really got on my nerves. we started to argue when i refused to answer his question. it’s okay if u ask me once, but why did u still keep asking me the SAME question and making me to answer it when i already said i didn’t wanna answer it?? u were like forcing me to do something that i wasn’t willing to do! actually what has it to do with the matter between me and you?? I have my own privacy.. dun i have the right to choose to tell or not to tell??? even my very good frens also dunno whether im liking somebody onot.. let alone letting others knowing it. in fact, nobody knows whether im liking somebody onot. moreover, it has nothing to do with u all if i got a lover onot! is it wrong to keep things as secrets???? sh*t.. the thing im more angry about is, he simply guess who’s the person im liking now, just becos i refused to let him know the truth. it’s ok if u misunderstand me, but pls dun bring others into this matter. they’re innocent! why… why cant there be pure friendship between males and females?? what century is it now?? girls being good with boys is normal!!! there’s nothing to be surprised about! …………… i thought we could end up being good after u confessed ur feeling to me? i thought u understand what i meant.. but why did u ask that particular question when i thought everything was settled? why were u so emotional?? im already annoyed by other matters, now i got more irritated when this problem occured.

yesterday night, my old classmates asked me out to have a drink. i saw a person i didn’t want to see(let’s call him X) at the place.oh gosh, i didn’t even look at X when i passed by his table. this was the first time i saw X after we quarrelled. but i felt kinda guilty when i didn’t even greet some other frens (one of them is K who was previously close with me) who were at the same table with X. i really didn’t mean to ignore K and other frens.. i just couldn’t control myself from turning my head to the other side at the moment i walked by X’s table. the one i ignored was X, not K and others! at that night, i msg K and apologised to K for ignoring him and others. K said i hurt him.. he said im now no more the previous chu xian. he thinks that he’s nothing comparing to the guys i know in KL now, and that i should ignore him cos he’s no good guy. well, i was a bit hurt when he said that. cos im not the kind of person like how he thought. and he told me a lot of things that made me feel even more guilty. in a word, i know.. im useless.. im not a good fren. im a very very very bad fren. nobody should take me as a good fren. sometimes i really think that the way i treat frens is WRONG. i never blame others for saying me ‘not treating frens with true heart’. yesterday night, i had been lying on the bed for a few hours, thinking a lot of things, especially about frens. i slept at 4am.. i couldn’t understand why it was as if i have problems with each of my frens? each fren with each problem. is it all caused by me? has it anything to do with my attitude, my behaviour? and thinking about my best frens…………………….. i just couldn’t help myself from being depressed and desperate…i know, i am not supposed to be treated good. im just……….a HOPELESS fren!

im back in Kemaman (my hometown). well, my bro fetched me and my sister back yesterday. we reached here at about 2.30am.. *tired*..

ohhh gosh now i only realise that the weather in Kemaman is so hot comparing to KL. hmm.. cannot stand it. X_X

that day, after my class ended, my fren brought me to Metroprima to eat the singaporean chicken rice. it was really nice.. and then we went to walk around Metroprima shopping complex… it was a very small and boring place. Yesterday, two of my frens brought me to ‘yum cha’ at menjalara. this was the last gathering before i came back to kemaman. hmm… kinda miss my frens there now..

*sigh*..my tests are coming soon again. im gonna work hard during this holiday. gambatehhhhh!

it’s been some time i haven’t written my blog.. im quite lazy to write one recently. perhaps im lazy? or im busy? hmm… i dunno why but i start feeling unwilling to share my problems, my feeling, my everything.. that’s why i write less blogs recently. i dun feel like wanna express/write so much anymore.

yesterday, mummy and uncle went to Sandakan. and they will only be back on this friday.=\ uh oh…. im gonna be home alone for 4 days. what am i going to eat at night?? usually i wait for mummy and uncle to come back home to cook. but now….. *sweat*.. most probably i have to eat maggie or bread again. well, this is the disadvantage of not knowing cooking. ok ok i admit that i dunno cooking… but i know fry eggs and cook maggie mee! hahah! =D however, there was somebody preparing a meal for me yesterday. i mean dinner.. the person cooked spaghetti for me!! oh i was so touched.. =’( we ate together at the canteen after my class ended. nice spaghetti…*slurp*. =P

after that, i went to 1utama by myself. my mum wanted me to take something to the Jigsaw Puzzle World outlet at 1u. and so I drove to 1utama by myself. phew.. i never thought that i would be so courageous..(well, for u, maybe it’s a normal and simple task lar.. but for me, it’s a hard one. =P) cos i was frightened that i couldn’t get my way back home.  but due to my intelligence, i managed to go back home by myself without any guidance. LOL.. =P

yesterday night, i received my dad’s call again. again, he wanted me to find a room to rent outside. i know, perhaps he dun really like me staying at mum’s house. hmm…. but….. i dun feel like wanna move eh. i feel good staying here.. i mean im happy with my current situation. oh well.. how am i supposed to do? *depressed* =\

last saturday, i hang out with one of my frens. both of us watched the movie ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ at Mid Valley. well the movie was quite funny.. but overall it was just okay for me. that day, Sammi had a make up show at the centre court at Mid Valley. my fren & I watched the show twice (once at 2pm, another time at 7pm).. wow, Sammi was definitely pretty. this is undeniable. but too bad she couldn’t make herself into the final of the contest ‘I Wanna Be A Model’. still, i will watch the programme on tv every Sunday from now on. cos Sammi will appear on tv very soon. im looking forward to watching her, with another 9 more finalists on the tv. =)

im heartbroken.. i can hear the breaking sound of my heart. my heart is so painful that it’s like being stabbed by a sharp knife. can u really understand how i feel? well, there’s no one in this world can understand the feeling im having now. u know what’s the feeling of being accused when u actually do nothing wrong? u know what’s the feeling when ur best frens think that u’re a very bad person as u’re actually innocent? u know what’s the feeling of being charged with a wrongdoing when u’re actually inguilty but u cannot even do anything about it? everyone, including the persons i trust think that i’m the bad one. i know… no one will ever trust me. my sky, my world has become so so dark that I can’t even see myself. 

there’s too much misunderstanding between me and my good fren, there’s nothing i can do to save the problems anymore. the more i explain, the more i get blamed. well, luckily my mobile phone didn’t break when I threw it onto the floor yesterday after quarreling with someone. I felt like going to die when he accused me for doing something that I didn’t do. i ran into my bedroom and cried very loudly on the bed. my mum came in and gave me a hug. she gave me a lot of advice and she shared her experience too. but because of feeling extremely sad, I couldn’t really accept what she said. my eyes got so tired after crying for more than an hour… and today, I dun look good cos of crying too much.

I met a friend of mine (which was from the same hometown with me) today. I knew he would be able to share my problems and give me some good advice (as he’s my old good fren and he knows what’s my exact problem, i believe in him more than others.) he listened to me and I told him everything that’s inside my heart, he understood me and gave me some advice. I felt quite relieved when there’s a person trust in me. and I’m happy cos he was willing to spare some time to talk to me.. thanks to u HS.

yesterday(4th August, 2006), i woke up at 6.15am. after i got everything ready, mum brought me to the college. well, mum showed me the way and i was the one who drove. she wanted me to learn. I drove from bandar utama to setapak. =P I reached my college after half an hour. it was only 8.40am at the time i arrived! wow, the first time i got so early!!  it was kinda weird to reach the college so early. =P after my classes ended, i called my mum and asked her to come fetch me. she said she’d be here after half an hour. i waited and waited, but she wasn’t here yet. so i called her again.. she said she was not free and might be late. and i had been waiting for more than 2 hours. luckily i had a fren accompanying me. he said he’d only go back after my mum had come. before my mum came, i suddenly found out that the condo scan card given by my mum this morning was gone! i started to worry. my fren & I immediately went around and searched for it.. but we failed. we couldn’t find it. =( gosh… how could the scan card disappear itself?? a scan card cost RM50 eh!! that’s not cheap.. =\ but mum didn’t scold me.. she said she’d buy one more. *sob sob* i felt so guilty!! it was all my fault… sorry mummy!

after my mum fetched me from the college, we went to TAR villa. I wanted to take all my things. we went upstairs and lifted all the things down… tired man! =\ before i left, i could see from siew chien’s face that she was very sad. she told me that she started to hate going back to TAR villa. well, neither did I. upon closing the door, I saw siew chien started weeping. i knew she would cry after i left.. =( pity siew chien.. i really wish i could help her….

today(5th August, 2006), mum wanted me to accompany her going to the 4 outlets of the Jigsaw Puzzle World. after changing myself, I got ready and went out with mum. first we went to 1utama. within a short time, everything got settled and we left. the next destination was Mid Valley.. I walked around by myself when my mum was working. sighh… bored ehhh.. walking here and there alone without doing anything..like an idiot. =P after mum had done her work, we left. mum wanted me to drive.. so i drove from mid valley to chung hwa independent high school to fetch my young sister, and then to KLCC. we stayed at KLCC for almost 2 hours.. due to the high price of things at KLCC, we didn’t buy anything there. ehh.. both of us had only a little bit of money, i dun think we would be able to afford anything there. at 6.30pm, we went to the Times Square. my sis bought a short jeans pants. and i bought a skirt..=) i only spent RM28 on it. not bad huh?

-NIGHT TIME- as usual, i cleaned my contact lenses after coming back home. i dunno how did it happen but i found that one of my contact lenses was torn!!! jie~~~~~ the contact lense u bought for me was tornnnnnnnnn~ =( *sob sob* i thought the contact lenses could last for at least a year. but now…. now…………. =( well if it’s RM20 then nvm. but it actually cost RM160! and i had been wearing them for only 3 months. sh*t..

just now, siew chien msg me. she asked me whether i know that siow shan would move. i answered her ‘i don’t know and i don’t wanna know.’ my mood totally changed when she mentioned her. well, i just dun wanna think about this matter for the moment. pls let me be alone.. let me calm myself down. i need to forget every of my sad things. plss….

I moved out from TAR villa today. well, I couldn’t stand it anymore… there were too many things happening at the place. a place which only brought sadness and suffer to me. what’s best friend? well, I dun really believe in friendship from now on anymore. fren is nothing to me.

well, the problem is not as simple as what u think. I just dun wanna mention the whole story anymore. in a word, i’m not going to stay at TAR villa with my housemates anymore. i’ve had enough.

I cried when i called mummy at college today. mummy comforted me and she said she’d stand by me always. she didn’t want others to bully me. ="( and so, uncle came and brought me leaving TAR villa. they wanted me to stop staying there.

after coming back home, uncle and mummy cooked me a nice dinner. well, not exactly for me lar.. it was also for my aunt and some cousins. my aunt brought my cousin brother, who has just come back from overseas to Malaysia, to have dinner with us.

well, my mood got better when i see the chocolates.. the chocolates from Jason. man, i love chocolates ehh! of course i feel happy to receive a gift like that. he gave me the chocolates today after classes ended.. he said he bought it at KLCC. hey thanks a lot, Jason.. =) it was wrapped so nicely that I didn’t want to unwrap it and eat it.. =P i’ll keep the chocolates forever! hehe.. nahhh.. just kidding.. i’ll eat them. but not now.. XD heehee!

it’s been some time I haven’t written my blog. why? well.. I’d been busy practising my volleyball recently. I woke up early in the morning everyday and went for practice before classes started. after classes ended, I continued my practice. after coming back home from college, I straight away lay in my bed! I got so exhausted that I had no more energy to do my tutorial work and revision. all the work was accumulated and now I have so much tutorial work to be done!! pity me.. =( our team had really put a lot of effort in it. as we never played volleyball before, so we had to work harder. and my hands were badly bruised… ="(

it was the volleyball match yesterday. well, we lost. actually I didn’t really get that sad, cos the result was expected. but I enjoyed myself. =) it was a good experience. I’m thinking of joining volleyball club now.. cos im starting to get interested at it. hahah! =P

during my Maths1 tutorial class yesterday, there was a delivery of handmade soup from a person to me. well, i was so shocked when my name was called.. the whole class cheered loudly at the moment. of course i felt shy. hmm.. i wondered who was the  person that gave me the gift. i thought it was from ‘A’ guy. but then i found out that it was actually from ‘B’ guy. that was so sweet of him. thanks to him.. i really love the gift. =)

recently, there was a lot of robbery cases happened near to my staying place. and there was even a murder case! =( it happened at the road in front of TAR villa (the place im staying right now). a TARCian staying at TAR villa got killed when he was on the way to desa setapak. GOSHH..! I used to walk alone on that particular road frequently.. I’m glad that I’m okay. 2 days later, i heard my frens telling me that there was another robbery case happened on a TARCian at the same place. then today I heard my chemistry lecturer saying that the same case happened at Melati. =( *sigh* what happen huh?? isn’t there any policeman or police station around our area here?? what’s wrong with the safety?? oh god, im so damn worried about my own safety. even when im driving, i’ll still feel very scared. all TARCians, please be very very very very careful no matter where u are. do not walk on the road alone! God bless…