- h0ney’s world of wordz -

i dunno why but i feel scared to accept others’ love. whenever a boy asks me to be his gf, i’d think a lot of things.. e.g, will we break up after i accept him? will i not treat him good after i accept him? will we face problems like we dun have transports n cannot meet often? will we face financial problems? will we be apart someday like he’s going overseas to further his studies or something? will he treat me bad and hurt me? etc etc… i’d keep questioning myself. perhaps, this is all because of my unpleasant experiences. i got hurt by both of my ex bfs before this.. i might be too innocent. i mistrusted them.. they hurt me so bad that i cried my lung out everyday, everynight.. n i had almost gone insane. it was so hard for me to go through the traumas. and now, im scared of falling in love. im scared of accepting others’ love…  *sigh*.. love is never sweet to me. love hurts… don’t u agree?

im so confused… i need some time to make up my mind.. i dun wanna make a rush decision like what i did last time. i’ll think it over and i hope… i can get u an answer as soon as possible..

phew… finally, i finished my test today. finally… i can watch tv and online and do whatever i wan now.. hahah! BUT too bad.. i cannot relax too much, cos my final exam is coming.. it’s in the month of November. *sigh* =(

today after my class, i went to the Pizza Hut to have my dinner with a fren of mine. after that, we went to watch the movie ‘Ghost Game’ at 1utama. well, it’s scary but……. the story is not as nice as expected. i dun really like the movie. lame movie…… -_-"

after the movie, we went back home. something happened when i fetched my fren back home.. it was so unexpected. im not going to tell what exactly has happened.. in a word, it was a shocking one. but, i felt quite happy with that particular thing. it was very unforgettable. =)

few days ago, i called my best fren. she told me that she was not single anymore.. i was very happy for her cos she has found someone who loves and cares her a lot. im quite sure that the guy will bring her happiness. well, dear best fren, wish u happy with that guy.. all da best to both of u~ =)

it’s saturday again. yeah im only staying at home today.. not hanging out. since my test is on, i dun have the mood to go out.

recently, i realised that a lot of frens reading my blog. i dunno why but they told me my blog is nice to read.. hmm… well thank u guys for reading it. =) i dunno whether is this considered as good onot.. cos i thought a blog is like a diary. i thought i could write anything i wan in my blog.. anything about my life, my frens, family, studies and even about my love life. but since a lot of ppl reading it, i cannot write too much.. i mean, who will wan to tell everyone about his/her secrets. of course i will still write something about my life, but i’ll still keep some of my secrets.. not gonna write it here. hehe.. =P

aiks.. im supposed to do my revision now. why am i sitting in front of the pc and online now eh?? =\ *sigh*.. tests tests tests………..nobody likes tests/exams

I LOVE YOU. are these three words hard to be said?? these 3 words are just that simple. yet, how many of u dare say it to the person u love???

if u like/love somebody, u should let him/her know. just tell him/her that u love him/her. dun be shy to say it out. there’s nothing wrong to love a person. if u lose the chance to say it, u’ll regret in the future. believe me, u will regret it. things will change after time passes. things will not be the same anymore after that. there will not be a lot of chances for u to confess to somebody. especially when u are a guy, u should not hesitate but to say ‘I LOVE YOU’ to the girl u love now!! well, girls are usually shy, so it’s okay if girls do not say it out first. but guys! guys should not be shy!! u are not a guy if you dun even have the courage to say ‘I LOVE YOU’ to the girl u adore. dun be afraid to be rejected… u should be happy because u expressed urself. at least you have let her know that she’s important in ur heart.

when u love a person, it does not mean u have to own him/her. when u love a person, u wan the person to be happy. u dun do things that will hurt him/her. you will always treat him/her good even if u’re not accepted. you will try to bring happiness to the person no matter how. this is what ‘love’ means. so everyone, say it out.. tell him/her that u love him/her. who knows, he/she may be liking u at the same time..=)

—h0neyxian 2oo6— LOVE

holiday’s over~~ this is the 2nd week of study. my test is on now.. oh god, i was late for my MUET test that day.. and the result was, i couldn’t finish my essay.. damn…. =’( and today, i had my Maths1 test.. again, i couldn’t finish answering the questions.. hmmm, useless me.

on the national day, i went to IKANO power centre with my best fren, Coey and two of my frens from college. i thought we could reach the place before 12am, but it was soooooooooooooo damn jam around IKANO. and when i was still on my way, suddenly the fireworks blast off in the sky. wow i was so happy to see the fireworks!! i parked my car beside the road and 4 of us straight away got down to watch the beautiful fireworks.. it lasted for more than 5 minutes. this was the most beautiful fireworks i had ever seen. =) after having some drinks at McDonald, we went back home. Coey stayed at my house that night. we kept talking and talking on the bed for few hours.. hahah! we talked about our secrets, who she likes, who i like.. (well, just normal stuff that girls will talk about.=P ) heehee..it was nice. this indicate that we can still be very good n close even though we had not been meeting for few months. u’re my best buddy, love u dear yong~

damn.. im getting so angry right now. there’s going to be an explosion of anger!!!! the only way to express my ANGER is through this blog.

i have a classmate(my good fren) confessing his feeling to me just now. he said he like me, very much. well, i wasn’t surprised cos i’ve known it since early. then i explained to him nicely so that he can let everything go. i can only treat him as a fren.. not more than that. but then, he asked me is it im liking somebody now. this question really got on my nerves. we started to argue when i refused to answer his question. it’s okay if u ask me once, but why did u still keep asking me the SAME question and making me to answer it when i already said i didn’t wanna answer it?? u were like forcing me to do something that i wasn’t willing to do! actually what has it to do with the matter between me and you?? I have my own privacy.. dun i have the right to choose to tell or not to tell??? even my very good frens also dunno whether im liking somebody onot.. let alone letting others knowing it. in fact, nobody knows whether im liking somebody onot. moreover, it has nothing to do with u all if i got a lover onot! is it wrong to keep things as secrets???? sh*t.. the thing im more angry about is, he simply guess who’s the person im liking now, just becos i refused to let him know the truth. it’s ok if u misunderstand me, but pls dun bring others into this matter. they’re innocent! why… why cant there be pure friendship between males and females?? what century is it now?? girls being good with boys is normal!!! there’s nothing to be surprised about! …………… i thought we could end up being good after u confessed ur feeling to me? i thought u understand what i meant.. but why did u ask that particular question when i thought everything was settled? why were u so emotional?? im already annoyed by other matters, now i got more irritated when this problem occured.

yesterday night, my old classmates asked me out to have a drink. i saw a person i didn’t want to see(let’s call him X) at the place.oh gosh, i didn’t even look at X when i passed by his table. this was the first time i saw X after we quarrelled. but i felt kinda guilty when i didn’t even greet some other frens (one of them is K who was previously close with me) who were at the same table with X. i really didn’t mean to ignore K and other frens.. i just couldn’t control myself from turning my head to the other side at the moment i walked by X’s table. the one i ignored was X, not K and others! at that night, i msg K and apologised to K for ignoring him and others. K said i hurt him.. he said im now no more the previous chu xian. he thinks that he’s nothing comparing to the guys i know in KL now, and that i should ignore him cos he’s no good guy. well, i was a bit hurt when he said that. cos im not the kind of person like how he thought. and he told me a lot of things that made me feel even more guilty. in a word, i know.. im useless.. im not a good fren. im a very very very bad fren. nobody should take me as a good fren. sometimes i really think that the way i treat frens is WRONG. i never blame others for saying me ‘not treating frens with true heart’. yesterday night, i had been lying on the bed for a few hours, thinking a lot of things, especially about frens. i slept at 4am.. i couldn’t understand why it was as if i have problems with each of my frens? each fren with each problem. is it all caused by me? has it anything to do with my attitude, my behaviour? and thinking about my best frens…………………….. i just couldn’t help myself from being depressed and desperate…i know, i am not supposed to be treated good. im just……….a HOPELESS fren!

im back in Kemaman (my hometown). well, my bro fetched me and my sister back yesterday. we reached here at about 2.30am.. *tired*..

ohhh gosh now i only realise that the weather in Kemaman is so hot comparing to KL. hmm.. cannot stand it. X_X

that day, after my class ended, my fren brought me to Metroprima to eat the singaporean chicken rice. it was really nice.. and then we went to walk around Metroprima shopping complex… it was a very small and boring place. Yesterday, two of my frens brought me to ‘yum cha’ at menjalara. this was the last gathering before i came back to kemaman. hmm… kinda miss my frens there now..

*sigh*..my tests are coming soon again. im gonna work hard during this holiday. gambatehhhhh!

it’s been some time i haven’t written my blog.. im quite lazy to write one recently. perhaps im lazy? or im busy? hmm… i dunno why but i start feeling unwilling to share my problems, my feeling, my everything.. that’s why i write less blogs recently. i dun feel like wanna express/write so much anymore.

yesterday, mummy and uncle went to Sandakan. and they will only be back on this friday.=\ uh oh…. im gonna be home alone for 4 days. what am i going to eat at night?? usually i wait for mummy and uncle to come back home to cook. but now….. *sweat*.. most probably i have to eat maggie or bread again. well, this is the disadvantage of not knowing cooking. ok ok i admit that i dunno cooking… but i know fry eggs and cook maggie mee! hahah! =D however, there was somebody preparing a meal for me yesterday. i mean dinner.. the person cooked spaghetti for me!! oh i was so touched.. =’( we ate together at the canteen after my class ended. nice spaghetti…*slurp*. =P

after that, i went to 1utama by myself. my mum wanted me to take something to the Jigsaw Puzzle World outlet at 1u. and so I drove to 1utama by myself. phew.. i never thought that i would be so courageous..(well, for u, maybe it’s a normal and simple task lar.. but for me, it’s a hard one. =P) cos i was frightened that i couldn’t get my way back home.  but due to my intelligence, i managed to go back home by myself without any guidance. LOL.. =P

yesterday night, i received my dad’s call again. again, he wanted me to find a room to rent outside. i know, perhaps he dun really like me staying at mum’s house. hmm…. but….. i dun feel like wanna move eh. i feel good staying here.. i mean im happy with my current situation. oh well.. how am i supposed to do? *depressed* =\

last saturday, i hang out with one of my frens. both of us watched the movie ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ at Mid Valley. well the movie was quite funny.. but overall it was just okay for me. that day, Sammi had a make up show at the centre court at Mid Valley. my fren & I watched the show twice (once at 2pm, another time at 7pm).. wow, Sammi was definitely pretty. this is undeniable. but too bad she couldn’t make herself into the final of the contest ‘I Wanna Be A Model’. still, i will watch the programme on tv every Sunday from now on. cos Sammi will appear on tv very soon. im looking forward to watching her, with another 9 more finalists on the tv. =)

im heartbroken.. i can hear the breaking sound of my heart. my heart is so painful that it’s like being stabbed by a sharp knife. can u really understand how i feel? well, there’s no one in this world can understand the feeling im having now. u know what’s the feeling of being accused when u actually do nothing wrong? u know what’s the feeling when ur best frens think that u’re a very bad person as u’re actually innocent? u know what’s the feeling of being charged with a wrongdoing when u’re actually inguilty but u cannot even do anything about it? everyone, including the persons i trust think that i’m the bad one. i know… no one will ever trust me. my sky, my world has become so so dark that I can’t even see myself. 

there’s too much misunderstanding between me and my good fren, there’s nothing i can do to save the problems anymore. the more i explain, the more i get blamed. well, luckily my mobile phone didn’t break when I threw it onto the floor yesterday after quarreling with someone. I felt like going to die when he accused me for doing something that I didn’t do. i ran into my bedroom and cried very loudly on the bed. my mum came in and gave me a hug. she gave me a lot of advice and she shared her experience too. but because of feeling extremely sad, I couldn’t really accept what she said. my eyes got so tired after crying for more than an hour… and today, I dun look good cos of crying too much.

I met a friend of mine (which was from the same hometown with me) today. I knew he would be able to share my problems and give me some good advice (as he’s my old good fren and he knows what’s my exact problem, i believe in him more than others.) he listened to me and I told him everything that’s inside my heart, he understood me and gave me some advice. I felt quite relieved when there’s a person trust in me. and I’m happy cos he was willing to spare some time to talk to me.. thanks to u HS.

yesterday(4th August, 2006), i woke up at 6.15am. after i got everything ready, mum brought me to the college. well, mum showed me the way and i was the one who drove. she wanted me to learn. I drove from bandar utama to setapak. =P I reached my college after half an hour. it was only 8.40am at the time i arrived! wow, the first time i got so early!!  it was kinda weird to reach the college so early. =P after my classes ended, i called my mum and asked her to come fetch me. she said she’d be here after half an hour. i waited and waited, but she wasn’t here yet. so i called her again.. she said she was not free and might be late. and i had been waiting for more than 2 hours. luckily i had a fren accompanying me. he said he’d only go back after my mum had come. before my mum came, i suddenly found out that the condo scan card given by my mum this morning was gone! i started to worry. my fren & I immediately went around and searched for it.. but we failed. we couldn’t find it. =( gosh… how could the scan card disappear itself?? a scan card cost RM50 eh!! that’s not cheap.. =\ but mum didn’t scold me.. she said she’d buy one more. *sob sob* i felt so guilty!! it was all my fault… sorry mummy!

after my mum fetched me from the college, we went to TAR villa. I wanted to take all my things. we went upstairs and lifted all the things down… tired man! =\ before i left, i could see from siew chien’s face that she was very sad. she told me that she started to hate going back to TAR villa. well, neither did I. upon closing the door, I saw siew chien started weeping. i knew she would cry after i left.. =( pity siew chien.. i really wish i could help her….

today(5th August, 2006), mum wanted me to accompany her going to the 4 outlets of the Jigsaw Puzzle World. after changing myself, I got ready and went out with mum. first we went to 1utama. within a short time, everything got settled and we left. the next destination was Mid Valley.. I walked around by myself when my mum was working. sighh… bored ehhh.. walking here and there alone without doing anything..like an idiot. =P after mum had done her work, we left. mum wanted me to drive.. so i drove from mid valley to chung hwa independent high school to fetch my young sister, and then to KLCC. we stayed at KLCC for almost 2 hours.. due to the high price of things at KLCC, we didn’t buy anything there. ehh.. both of us had only a little bit of money, i dun think we would be able to afford anything there. at 6.30pm, we went to the Times Square. my sis bought a short jeans pants. and i bought a skirt..=) i only spent RM28 on it. not bad huh?

-NIGHT TIME- as usual, i cleaned my contact lenses after coming back home. i dunno how did it happen but i found that one of my contact lenses was torn!!! jie~~~~~ the contact lense u bought for me was tornnnnnnnnn~ =( *sob sob* i thought the contact lenses could last for at least a year. but now…. now…………. =( well if it’s RM20 then nvm. but it actually cost RM160! and i had been wearing them for only 3 months. sh*t..

just now, siew chien msg me. she asked me whether i know that siow shan would move. i answered her ‘i don’t know and i don’t wanna know.’ my mood totally changed when she mentioned her. well, i just dun wanna think about this matter for the moment. pls let me be alone.. let me calm myself down. i need to forget every of my sad things. plss….